I imagine most of you are here because you went out and tried being assertive, only to discover a few issues with your practice. For the new life changers, welcome! Let’s give a nod to the prevailing wisdom: being assertive improves life quality, being assertive is not being aggressive, respecting yourself and others, use I statements etc. I would rather not elaborate further on these talking points. If you want further details on this just google “how to be more assertive?”

Like with a lot of things, knowing the vast benefits of practicing doesn’t make it easy to start doing what is needed. We imagine all sorts of conflict that can arise when we express our wants/needs. And it can! Assertiveness can devolve into confrontation. If we look back on our previous encounters, we might remember ourselves tripping over words or feeling as if we are overstepping. The other party happens to have some counterpoint we have not anticipated and we may have even apologized afterwards, rendering the whole experience as one needless embarrassing encounter! It is much more tempting to avoid it and give up on what we need. Unfortunately, avoiding confrontation at all costs can put significant limits on how we engage in life. So maybe stop telling yourself that you are not a confrontative person.

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Billy Joel said “you don’t always know when you are right.” Outside the therapy room, we don’t always get encouraging feedback after being rightfully assertive. Just because what you are asking for is reasonable does not mean it will be endorsed by others. Seeing a frown or a change in demeanor in others can be rather unsettling. In your assertiveness journey, you will have to come to terms with the fact that you will likely be inconveniencing someone. such that your wants and needs are likely to come at the expense of someone else’s. But that doesn’t mean that you should automatically forfeit them. We can do our best to accommodate the interests of others but it can’t always be a win-win. Since you are here, there is a likelihood that your needs/wants have often been deprioritized for somebody else’s.

“But I don’t really need it.” Some of us often operate with the assumption that we are the only ones that can tolerate not getting our way or can do without. Strangely it does not often occur that others can also do it too. You both wanted that Banana-Nut muffin on that Monday morning. Let Dan have it! After all he is a Banana-nut Nut! But the 3rd Monday in a row? Do you think Dan can find the strength within himself to be deprived of it, just this once?

Expect a change in relationships. It can seem unwise to invite change in what seems to be a stable relationship. Many may prefer the same you, and this different you is making people uncomfortable. This is especially true if others like what you having been doing for them. Take time to consider the relationships you want to keep. Are there ones that have stayed pleasant only because you continue to subvert your needs/opinions for theirs? On the other hand, some others may appreciate this new you. Assertiveness can also be an attractive trait.

We prioritize familiarity over the potential for better. The situation isn’t ideal but you have learned how to cope with it and know what to expect. “Every-time I hang out with Cheryl, we do what she wants. Its annoying but I’m used to it, its just Cheryl”.

Your expectations may need recalibrating. If you have mostly shied away from asserting yourself, it is likely that you have the impression that you would receive a strong reaction when you eventually do. 

There is of course the worry that what you are asking for is something not-quite reasonable. If you are not accustomed to advocating for your needs/wants, you might not always know what is appropriate to ask for. Wondering, “Can I actually ask for this?” is a fair question. In your commendable efforts to make a change in your life, your initial bearings may be a bit off. Asking for a table by the window at a restaurant, fair enough. Asking if you can jump the checkout line because you have less items, not so much. As there are many unwritten rules of courtesy (and different rules for different cultures) that take experience to figure it out, ask a friend.

So where can we go from here? A few suggestions

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Plan B

Consider what you intend to do if you do not get what you need/want.

You may choose to communicate this or keep it in your head. It might be immediate or planned. “If my boss declines my request without a good reason, I am going to file a complaint or I am going to start looking for a job and quit by next month.” Please seriously consider the feasibility of the action and your intentions on following through. We cannot always expect to be successful in getting what we need but it helps to know how to move forward if your needs will not be met. It might even bolster your confidence knowing you have a Plan B, even more so if it’s actionable.

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Tradeoffs

In some circumstances, it can help to consider about what you are risking for what you want; future invitations, your “chill” reputation, job security. Asserting yourself while trying to preserve these things can make you come across as clumsy and unsure.

Decide if what you need/want is worth the trade and commit.

Practice via Role-play

Confrontation is inherently uncomfortable and to successfully navigate through one is a critical life skill. So recruit a friend/family member/therapist and role-play a scenario.

Have them gradually increase the resistance from frowny-face to full on confrontation.

Look for progress in your ability: to maintain a cool composure, to articulate specifically what you need/want, to stay on the matter at hand, recognize and challenge poor reasoning, and to dismiss/avoid insults/name calling.

Starting Small

The situation that brought you here need not be the first place you try being assertive. Practice prioritizing yourself little bit here and there; where you will learn to refrain from pleasing others on instinct and tolerate disappointing looks/tones.

E.g Naming where You want to go during an outing with friends/family

Declining a request/favor that can easily be asked of someone else.

Verbalize your disagreement in a conversation.

Last thoughts, Assertiveness is not an isolated skill. It relates to our self-esteem and whether we can envision better scenarios for ourselves such to forgo the one we are in. How well we can tolerate anxiety can also affect our willingness to entertain new situations, possibilities and risks. It is a two way street, asserting ourselves may come easier as our issues subside, OR we may feel less depressed and anxious as we discover our ability to assert ourselves and realize new possibilities.

Key points:

• Confrontation can very well happen. Learning to engage and navigate through one is important.
• Outside the therapy room, you will likely not get encouraging feedback when asserting yourself. Get comfortable with others not wanting to give you want/need, even if you deserve it, as it might not be in their best interest.
• Just because you don’t really need it does not means you should automatically forfeit. They might also not really need it.
• Relationships can change when you assert yourself. Those who may have enjoyed the over-accommodating you might not be that thrilled, while others may show some new found appreciation.
• Establish a Plan B: Fortify your confidence in knowing what you are prepared to do if you don’t get what you ask for. Make the plan feasible.